This day is getting older,
In fading light it’s beautiful.
This wind is blowing colder,
And too soon I’ll feel it’s pull.
This day is getting older,
In fading light it’s beautiful.
This wind is blowing colder,
And too soon I’ll feel it’s pull.
Work is well. I’m starting to treat my body better. I stopped eating fast food over a month ago and its now been over 4 months since I quit smoking. I find myself parking further away from the entrance at work to force myself to walk more. This may even lead to me getting a gym membership and actually exercising. *Richie to hell: Is it getting cold down there?*
So if I am doing better, and feeling better, why am i so sleepless? The answer to that is lame, and I wasn’t 100% sure I wanted to talk about it here. I have been so transparent in the past, I might as well open up again.
I have lost my connection to the world. I feel cut off. I feel very alone. I feel unloved and not cared about. I doubt many people give much thought to my well being and that is a huge source of discomfort for me. I am sure my family cares, as do some of my close friends. But for now “close friends” means the people I have known for a few years since I moved to Utah, and “family” means the people I pissed off many years ago in California before I came out here.
I think I would sleep better at night if I could know that there was someone who knew me, saw through to the heart of me, and still loved me.
I keep a close watch on this heart of mine. Over the years I have been caught off guard and left myself open for attack. Now I keep my eyes wide open, though, not all the time. Admittedly I still slip up and make unwise decisions based on foolhardy emotions. These decisions always come back to haunt me. I either fall for the wrong woman, or I fall for someone whose feelings are not reciprocated. It doesn’t take long to realize that when a woman says “The right woman is out there for you, you are a great guy” what they are thinking is… “I’m not the one for you because I am infatuated with someone more attractive”.
I have been in love. I wouldn’t call it the healthiest relationship, but it was love. And she loved me. It was one of the few times in my life where I felt some sense of completion. God intentionally made us with two missing pieces. The first missing piece of the puzzle can only be replaced by Him who created us, and the second piece, by our spouse. When the puzzle is complete we no longer see our life as fragmented and complicated; we instead see the big picture. We see the beautiful portrait that God has painted; the portrait of our lives.
In my life I have tried to complete the portrait, but with the wrong pieces. I have spent years battling addiction to drugs, cigarettes, food, alcohol and unhealthy relationships. My addiction was an attempt to repeatedly fill a void with the wrong passion. My relationship with God has waned heavily over the years; however He has kept a closer watch on my heart than I have. I am constantly reminded by Him what an intricate role He wants to have in my life, and how He desperately wants me to see the unveiling of His completed masterpiece.
I want to see it too.