Cocoon

Published on January 24, 2009 in mushy. 0 Comments Tags: , , , .

Based on your smile
I’m betting all of this might be over soon
But you’re bound to win
Because if I’m betting against you, I think I’d rather lose

But this is all that I have so please
Take what’s left of this heart and use
Please use only what you really need
You know I only have so little so please
Mend your broken heart and leave

I never stood a chance. It was doomed from the very beginning. I shouldn’t have allowed myself to fall. I could have avoided this, and I wouldn’t be feeling what I am feeling now. Those who know me, however, knew it was inevitable. Yes, this has broken me.

I know it’s not your style
And I can tell by the way that you move it’s real real soon
But I’m on your side
And I don’t want to be your regret
I’d rather be your cocoon

If I wanted to be selfish then I would have no problems being someone’s regret. When I truly love someone, though, it is best to ensure their happiness regardless of how it leaves me feeling. Sometimes, in order to protect the person I love it means I cannot say those words, no matter how much it stings not to.

But this is all that you have so please
Let me take what’s left of your heart and I will use
I swear I’ll use only what I need
I know you only have so little so please
Let me mend my broken heart and…

I do need some mending right now. How can I mend, dear reader, when everyone else is broken around me. I promise you it wouldn’t take much to get me on the road to recovery- just someone to love me. But not JUST someone. I do want her.

You said this was all you had, and it’s all I need
But blah, blah, blah because it fell apart and
I guess it’s all you knew and all I had
But now we have only confused hearts and
I guess all we have is really all we need

So please
Let’s take these broken hearts and use
Let’s use only what we really need
You know we only have so little so please
Take these broken hearts and leave

I’m thinking that maybe it will take me walking away in order to recover from this. Leaving is something I do really well, dear reader.

I Think I’ll go to Boston

Published on January 14, 2009 in rant. 1 Comment Tags: , , .

I think I’ll start a new life
I think I’ll start it over where no one knows my name
I’ll get out of California, I’m tired of the weather
I think I’ll get a lover and fly em out to Spain
I think I’ll go to Boston
I think that I’m just tired
I think I need a new town to leave this all behind
I think I need a sunrise, I’m tired of the sunset

Life has a funny way of always turning out differently than expected.  I thought my life was nearing it’s end.  I was all but buried.  My health was failing.  My heart was broken.  I had given up.  I did not care.  I was ready for release.  God had different plans for me.

I have lost 217 pounds since my surgery on May 1st 2008.  I could tell you the many opportunities, dear reader, that have become available to me now that I have lost the weight.  I could tell you how life is no longer the dismal, and depressing.  I COULD tell you these things, but it wouldn’t be completely honest.

I cannot trust people.  I have allowed too many people to walk over me in the last 10 years.  Pre-Surgery Richie didn’t care, because well, why would he.  He had no life of his own.   He wouldn’t hesitate to give his last dime to his friend to help them out, even if it meant he would have to suffer a week till payday.  He would be emotionally available to the women he had fallen for, only to listen to them talk about the boy they are dating and how terrible they are.

Post-Surgery Richie, sadly, still is a pushover.  I have recently been told by a few people how predictable I am.  Good ‘ole predictable Richie.  After tonight, no more.  I cannot be that guy anymore.  I really need to re-discover what I want my life to consist of.  I have been so busy making sure the people around me are doing ok that I have completely forgotten how important it is to know how I am doing, and what I want in life.

I do not trust anyone anymore.  Everyone is suspect.  I am closed off.  This is me retreating.  Sorry, but this is the way it has to be.

This Aint a Surfin Movie

Published on September 3, 2008 in general. 0 Comments Tags: , , .

Movies are made to be a representation of real life. In my experience, it accomplishes this only by molding reality. So much of our desires and notions come from what seems to look good and work only in movies. This is especially true when it comes to romance.

I blame Disney for all the millions of disappointed women that never find their Prince Charming. I blame Cameron Crowe for allowing guys to believe it is romantic to be a stalker and stand outside some woman’s house, blasting a boom box.

All my instincts, they return
And the grand facade, so soon will burn
Without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

Peter Gabriel – In Your Eyes

This is not right.

When I turned the page
The corner bent into a perfect dog-ear
As if the words knew I’d need them again
But at that time I couldn’t see it
I would read that page everyday for the next year

In some ways, I do wish my life was more like a movie. With a DVR we can rewind to the most favorite and appealing parts of a movie. There are many aspects of my life that I wish I could experience over again. I would like to bookmark these chapters so that I could revisit them anytime I wish. When I am done reliving that moment, I can just skip ahead past the embarrassing and boring parts. Live TV is just a click away.

We sat on a shoreline
Watching wind scalp the white off the waves
Sitting on a shoreline, and if I could do it
I’d dog-ear this page

Our memories will have to do. It is one thing, though, to think back on an event, and a completely different thing to be able to experience it again. To be transported back to a moment and once again be able to see, and smell, and touch, and feel… wouldn’t that be nice? We instead have to live every moment with the depressing knowledge that we will never live it again, and that our memories will one day fail us. Instead of letting this insight bring us down, we should let it inspire us to make the most of every second of every day.

We spoke about growing old
And filling the future’s empty stage

I am comforted, however, that my life is not a movie. My script is not written. I have the ability to deviate from any cliche lines. My director has given me the freedom to move about the set.