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Better Off Alone

richie — Mon, 26 Dec 2005 11:17:27 +0000

Do you think you’re better off alone? I think I might be.

I have been alone for so long I have grown accustomed to it. I like being alone. I have learned to like myself. It doesn’t bother me being alone anymore. It used too. I used to never like just having some “me” time. Now, I rather enjoy it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m starting to like her. I enjoy hanging out with her; just not as often as she enjoys hanging out with me. There are some nights where I would rather watch what my Tivo has recorded than hang out with her. Is that bad? Is it pathetic? Either way, it’s the truth.

A Long December

richie — Tue, 15 Nov 2005 11:16:30 +0000

A long December and there’s reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last. I can’t remember the last thing that you said as you were leaving. Now the days go by so fast.

I can’t find a word to describe how I am feeling. This time of year is especially hard for me ever since I moved away from home. I wasn’t always this over-sentimental until I was so far removed from my family and friends. I wish it were possible to go home for the holidays this year. It’s been so long since I’ve seen the ocean, guess I should.

It is hard to get excited about anything. My mind seems eternally fixated on the memories of distant winters in California. I think of all the times with friends and family, and those with whom for a brief moment in time I was in love. Oh to be young and carefree again is a dream that I imagine we all share from time to time. A time when being in love was as easy as getting a sunburn and getting heartbroken hurt just as bad, until a new love interest made its presence known the next day.

Today love is complicated. It has rules. It is defined. Why? Why can’t I allow myself to just be happy with someone? Why do I allow disappointment and anguish to characterize my very being? Why do I pursue and get into relationships which I KNOW have no chance of ever ultimately succeeding? What am I hiding? What am I afraid of?

It’s 5am. It is time to sleep. Maybe if I am lucky I will have that dream of being young and carefree and in love. I can’t remember all the times I tried to tell myself to hold on to these moments as they pass.

Come Undone

richie — Wed, 12 Oct 2005 23:10:59 +0000

A sad day.

I do not like myself lately. I feel pieces of my life unraveling before me. I am losing myself. Where do I go to find what I have lost? Do I even want to find what I am looking for? What am I looking for?

I feel so alone. It is dark and cold. Where is the sun?

Who do you need, who do you love, when you come undone?

Boulevard Of Broken Dreams

richie — Wed, 11 May 2005 04:00:28 +0000

On the road of life one can travel millions of miles. To traverse this distance sanely one must have a companion; someone to tell you to “Watch Out!” when an obstacle fast approaches; someone to hum the tune of that song of which neither could remember the lyrics. Yes a companion would be nice. I walk alone.

Don’t get me wrong. I have the strength given to me by Him who saved me. He has given me a great deal of courage and comfort. I thank God every day for what He has done in my life. And I have a wonderful family. I love all of them, including my new step family. I have even made some decent friends in Idaho.

But I need a companion; someone to share my fears and my desires; someone who’s life reflects the music she creates just by sharing a single thought. It is an impossible search. The perfect relationship is a chirping canary in the mineshaft of despair.