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A Long December

A long December and there’s reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last. I can’t remember the last thing that you said as you were leaving. Now the days go by so fast.

I can’t find a word to describe how I am feeling. This time of year is especially hard for me ever since I moved away from home. I wasn’t always this over-sentimental until I was so far removed from my family and friends. I wish it were possible to go home for the holidays this year. It’s been so long since I’ve seen the ocean, guess I should.

It is hard to get excited about anything. My mind seems eternally fixated on the memories of distant winters in California. I think of all the times with friends and family, and those with whom for a brief moment in time I was in love. Oh to be young and carefree again is a dream that I imagine we all share from time to time. A time when being in love was as easy as getting a sunburn and getting heartbroken hurt just as bad, until a new love interest made its presence known the next day.

Today love is complicated. It has rules. It is defined. Why? Why can’t I allow myself to just be happy with someone? Why do I allow disappointment and anguish to characterize my very being? Why do I pursue and get into relationships which I KNOW have no chance of ever ultimately succeeding? What am I hiding? What am I afraid of?

It’s 5am. It is time to sleep. Maybe if I am lucky I will have that dream of being young and carefree and in love. I can’t remember all the times I tried to tell myself to hold on to these moments as they pass.

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