I have been down for a while. I am wondering why I am here. I am wondering what I am doing. I believe God has a plan for me, I just wish I knew what it was, and if I am too far gone to fulfill it. There’s a light at each end of this tunnel and I’m just as far in as I’ll ever be out. These mistakes I’ve made, I’ll just make them again; if I only tried turning around.

Or maybe that’s what Utah represents. Maybe I am turning around. I am heading back the way I came. But that’s geographical. Internally I continue to run, like I always do. I can no longer run from myself. It is impossible. It is reckless. The more I run the more I lose myself and the more I lose myself the more I don’t like what I have become. This only causes me to continue running.

How do I break the cycle? What can I do? Do I even deserve to be happy? Maybe I am meant to continue wandering, remaining unattached from the world, myself, and everyone else.

We can’t jump the track; we’re like cars on a cable. Life’s like an hourglass glued to the table. No one can find the rewind button. So we cradle our head in our hands, and breathe. Just breathe.

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